No Words Left

I wish I had something to blog about but I sadly don’t. I feel like everything is crashing down around me and I just want to go someplace secluded and wait it out. The things I used to look forward to have no meaning to me anymore. I guess I’m changing as a person. I’m no long that happy girl I used to be. Instead, I’ve morphed into someone who doesn’t really believe in happiness anymore and someone who doesn’t see the silver lining to every situation as I used to. What’s happening to me? Am I not normal anymore?

It’s a slippery slope downhill.

It’s amazing how things can suddenly start going good in someone’s life and then they are smacked back to reality. The past few days I’ve spent my nights talking to this guy Travis. No, it’s not like that. We’re friends and I’ve really missed a connection to the opposite sex and evidently he’s it for the time being. I just enjoy talking to him. He’s funny and yes, he is cute, too. Not that it matters though. Lol. When I mentioned that I was talking to a new guy my friends started freaking out. Evidently it scares them for me to be talking to someone because they don’t want to see me end up like I did with the whole C situation. I can tell you 100% that this guy is nothing like C. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. When they worry so much it makes me feel like they think I’m inadequate at making decisions about my life and who I date. I know my track record concerning past boyfriends is not the greatest but honestly I’m not talking to Travis that way. He just makes me smile which I haven’t done in such a long time.

Anyways, today my mom came in my room talking about washing her hair because she found out it was true. I just gave her this blank stare like what’s true!? She told me that my cousin called saying our other cousin committed suicide today and my mom found out it was true. I could not believe that. I am so shell shocked. This lady had kids and grandkids but evidently she had always suffered from depression. I guess depression runs in the family but I still can’t imagine feeling that lost and confused about life to take your life. I guess we’ll find out more about the funeral arrangements tomorrow. Now my mom is worried over my other cousin who has been in the hospital because we’re not sure how she’ll take the news. This cousin has major depression issues and other issues regarding her loser husband and son. I just hope Donna takes things well. Even though she is my mom’s age she is funny and really caring. I love my family. It’s amazing how two years ago I really thought our family was going down the drain since my grandma’s death and when I thought we were getting closer this thing happens with my other cousin. Wow is all I can say.

Thank God I have awesome friends to lean on. I love you guys so much and thank you for listening to me! I’ve realized I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for especially through the whole C thing and then me griping about being single and then griping about wanting to stay single and the list goes on. Ya’ll are truly amazing!

Sometimes, I just wanna cry.

Have you ever had the overwhelming feeling that you just want to lay down and cry? That’s how I feel right now and I honestly have no clue why. I woke up this morning and was completely depressed. Nothing bad has happened lately that I can recall except for my online class but I don’t give a damn about that anymore. If I fail, I fail and will sign up for the class this coming summer semester and turn in all my completed work on day one from this semester. Boo ya!

I think my depression might have a tad bit to do with watching Freedom Writers. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great movie and really moving but just all the things that everyone had to overcome was depressing. I can’t imagine living in a place where every time I walk out my front door I take the chance of getting shot. I honestly have never known anyone to be murdered except one person and that was a drug-related case and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Other than that one incident, no one I’ve known has been murdered. Sure, I’ve heard of murders in my town, three including the last mentioned one but overall, I live in a nice town where everyone knows everyone and we just don’t do things like that. Not to mention, I never imagined myself living in a period of time where such awful things are every day occurrences especially if you watch the 11 o’clock news which is why I always avoid it.

I’ve always been the type where if I read a book or watch a movie involving someone else being in so much emotional pain that I start to pick up on those vibes and become really sad. I guess I’m just weird like that but I am a very passionate person and I don’t like to hear about ANYONE suffering, even perfect strangers because we all should be happy and not have to deal with such things. Well, that of course would be true if we lived in a perfect world but we don’t.

Another thing that kept my depression going this morning was Court talking about his friend Andrew. Andrew was a 16 year old high school student who was killed by a drunk driver. The drunk driver being his under-age friend who was driving the vehicle he was riding in and of course, the driver walked away from the accident perfect. I just don’t understand why God would let someone so young die when their life was barely beginning or perfect babies who die of SIDS. I don’t think I will ever comprehend that. Don’t get me wrong, I love God and will always believe in him and follow him but sometimes I question his motives and his actions. I just don’t understand why good people have to die young.

Anyways, this is one blob of a post. I’m sure it doesn’t make sense to most but it does to me and it’s nice to blog about something serious instead of advertisements. I love the money but I miss my blog. Thankfully, I’ll be doing a lot of my advertisement blogs at another domain instead of here but of course if a good one comes around that only qualifies on this blog, I’ll take it. With that said, time to get dressed for my last class of this quarter!

Tsk, tsk, shame on me.

I am a fraud. I’ve been “lying” about Court and I. The lies were to cover my complete unhappiness. For a while now, Court and I fight a lot. I try to make it seem as everything is all hunky dory because I am not one to complain or to bother others with my problems but this time, I have to blog about it. When Court and I first met, he moved two hours away from his hometown to be here with me. For the first two years we were happy and so in love. I mean, I still love him but there is quite a lot of tension. I am ready to get married and settle down. Evidently, he has no intention on marrying me because every time we talk about it, I think he just tells me what I want to hear instead of what he truly thinks and the only time he said what he thought was when he said I don’t want to get married and it not work out. Meaning if we did get married, evidently we wouldn’t work out. Now my question, why be with someone if you know they want to get married/have kids if you don’t want the same? To me that’s pure torture and in the end, neither of you are happy. Kids and a family is REALLY important to me. I have no greater wish than to be a mother. So great that at times, I cry myself to sleep because a nurse once told me I would never become pregnant. That shattered my heart even though my mom said that was because I wasn’t having a period and with some weight loss I should be fine, but even so, that really hurt me. Oh and what does Court think? Umm, nothing really. It doesn’t phase him.

A while back, we had a pregnancy scare and he was SO happy and even called his dad to talk to him about it. Now I’m left with wondering where did that Court go? The Court that wanted to marry me and the Court that loved me and he never really had to say it (even though he said it a lot) because I KNEW he loved me. The Court that I have now, I think the “I love you’s” are just so uniformed and not meaningful. I think that is what hurts the most, hearing him say “I love you” and deep down knowing it’s not authentic.

So now we move to this past weekend. He went back home for Sunday and Monday since it was Mother’s Day and he wanted to spend some time with his grandma. Well today he called to say he called his work and asked about a transfer. Basically, he’s moving back to Snellville. How can you just spring something like that on the person you supposedly love? I don’t understand. Does that mean he is completely out of love with me? To me, if you love someone, you love them. No questions asked. He was fine being away from his family the past three years and he gets to visit them every other weekend. So I don’t understand the problem and when I ask him he is so quick to blame it on stupid shit instead of owning up to it himself. I will never understand guys just like I will never understand what I’ve done to deserve this kind of treatment. I honestly feel like I am damaged because every guy I fall for never treats me right and I really hate being alone but it’s worth it this time. I can’t be led around like a little dog by Court because that’s not fair. He is so manipulative and selfish. If things don’t go his way, he is very unhappy and in a relationship, it can’t be all about you.

So I am officially single. I am about to start packing all of his stuff up. I don’t want him staying in this house if he plans on leaving. Besides, he’s already got money from his uncle to stay in a hotel. I just hope he leaves me some money from his paycheck on Thursday because I hate to be without money especially since I am not working because I’m a full-time student. If not, I guess I’ll be S.O.L. At least I have PPP and the re-opening of Hostaxia to fall back on. I guess I couldn’t be planning to re-open Hostaxia at a better time. And lastly, Julie Julie Julie Julie! I am so sorry for messing up your link last blog, I was trying to write a quick entry before I had to get ready and I got all the .net and .org’s mixed up!!

Ugh when will I get better!

I am STILL not over my sickness. I missed Monday night which was a test night and even Wednesday night class. On Tuesday I went to the doctor and got some medicine. My doctor put me back on an inhaler which freaking sucks. I feel like I’m that sick kid again who won’t get to enjoy their childhood because while everyone else is outside playing she’s too busy being sick. Ugh. The really sucky thing is one of my prescriptions was $114 in itself. Thank God my mom paid for my medicine. My mom just wants me to get better.

On Wednesday, we went to Sears and purchased a treadmill. It won’t be here until this coming Monday since the store didn’t carry the one we wanted and it wouldn’t be delivered to our local store until Monday morning. So hooray. Too bad I have class Monday so I won’t get to go with my mom and my sister to pick it up. Grr. We have to use my mom’s car because my back seats don’t fold down. I’m excited to have the treadmill so I can finally start losing some weight. Bout damn time!

So anyways I was busy today. I actually signed onto instant messengers and chatted with some friends! I missed them so much! <3 Love to all my net friends because you all have truly changed my life. Whenever I feel alone I know I have ya’ll to turn to! So that got me feeling really nice tonight and not to mention I coded a new theme. I’m working on installing some new WP hacks and will have that up ASAP. Also, I am putting my hosting plan prices on my domain probably unless by some miraculous event, I get Hostaxia up and running this weekend. You never know, that might happen. The revenue from Hostaxia plus PPP is what is going to fund my next tuition payment. So if you need cheap domain hosting, look no further! Lol. So anyways it’s going on 3 AM so I think it’s time for me to hit the hay! Night. Later gator.