I am a fraud. I’ve been “lying” about Court and I. The lies were to cover my complete unhappiness. For a while now, Court and I fight a lot. I try to make it seem as everything is all hunky dory because I am not one to complain or to bother others with my problems but this time, I have to blog about it. When Court and I first met, he moved two hours away from his hometown to be here with me. For the first two years we were happy and so in love. I mean, I still love him but there is quite a lot of tension. I am ready to get married and settle down. Evidently, he has no intention on marrying me because every time we talk about it, I think he just tells me what I want to hear instead of what he truly thinks and the only time he said what he thought was when he said I don’t want to get married and it not work out. Meaning if we did get married, evidently we wouldn’t work out. Now my question, why be with someone if you know they want to get married/have kids if you don’t want the same? To me that’s pure torture and in the end, neither of you are happy. Kids and a family is REALLY important to me. I have no greater wish than to be a mother. So great that at times, I cry myself to sleep because a nurse once told me I would never become pregnant. That shattered my heart even though my mom said that was because I wasn’t having a period and with some weight loss I should be fine, but even so, that really hurt me. Oh and what does Court think? Umm, nothing really. It doesn’t phase him.

A while back, we had a pregnancy scare and he was SO happy and even called his dad to talk to him about it. Now I’m left with wondering where did that Court go? The Court that wanted to marry me and the Court that loved me and he never really had to say it (even though he said it a lot) because I KNEW he loved me. The Court that I have now, I think the “I love you’s” are just so uniformed and not meaningful. I think that is what hurts the most, hearing him say “I love you” and deep down knowing it’s not authentic.

So now we move to this past weekend. He went back home for Sunday and Monday since it was Mother’s Day and he wanted to spend some time with his grandma. Well today he called to say he called his work and asked about a transfer. Basically, he’s moving back to Snellville. How can you just spring something like that on the person you supposedly love? I don’t understand. Does that mean he is completely out of love with me? To me, if you love someone, you love them. No questions asked. He was fine being away from his family the past three years and he gets to visit them every other weekend. So I don’t understand the problem and when I ask him he is so quick to blame it on stupid shit instead of owning up to it himself. I will never understand guys just like I will never understand what I’ve done to deserve this kind of treatment. I honestly feel like I am damaged because every guy I fall for never treats me right and I really hate being alone but it’s worth it this time. I can’t be led around like a little dog by Court because that’s not fair. He is so manipulative and selfish. If things don’t go his way, he is very unhappy and in a relationship, it can’t be all about you.

So I am officially single. I am about to start packing all of his stuff up. I don’t want him staying in this house if he plans on leaving. Besides, he’s already got money from his uncle to stay in a hotel. I just hope he leaves me some money from his paycheck on Thursday because I hate to be without money especially since I am not working because I’m a full-time student. If not, I guess I’ll be S.O.L. At least I have PPP and the re-opening of Hostaxia to fall back on. I guess I couldn’t be planning to re-open Hostaxia at a better time. And lastly, Julie Julie Julie Julie! I am so sorry for messing up your link last blog, I was trying to write a quick entry before I had to get ready and I got all the .net and .org’s mixed up!!